Can I Really Have It All?

Purpose, Marriage, and Everything in between.

If I were to name one thing that has been consistent in my life, it would be my sense of purpose. All my life I’ve had this innate desire to care for those in need, an ability to organize avenues or ventures to assist me in acquiring more resources to give and the fearlessness to be a voice for the defenseless. As an adult, I am no stranger to organizing donation drives, community events, or even going on mission trips; but the truth is I’ve always been this person. Even as a child, I would speak up for those I’d felt had experienced an injustice and sacrificially give to those who were encountering hardships.

I knew I was created to be in the field of Global Missions and work as an advocate on behalf of underserved populations, more specifically women and girls both domestic and abroad. I realized that I had the ability to empathize with those experiencing displacement, because of my own experiences as a child. I knew what it meant and how it felt to be limited, to lack and to go without; to be in need because of hardship or poverty, not irresponsibility.

So now that you all know my purpose, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.

Have you ever felt limited to fully operate in your purpose because of your gender? Or more-so the implied roles of that gender?

I have. I question everyday whether or not I can be a good wife, mom and have the career and ministry that I desire. My own logic and the underlying subtones of society places limitations on what I can accomplish because of my gender. It often makes me or us feel like we have to give up one goal to obtain another (Am I the Only One?).

*Rolls Eyes and steps on soapbox*

Married with Kids or maximize success?

-You can’t have both, so pick one.

-Why can’t I have both? -Because.

(Better yet, why is it so hard for me to imagine myself with both?)

You don’t want kids? - are you a lesbian?

You don’t want kids? - you’re going to regret it.

Have kids- she’s let go of her dreams. Oh, you have to work extra hard now.

Don’t have marriage or kids yet? -Oh, what are you waiting on? -your clock is ticking.

You want to preach? -Women don’t belong in the pulpit, they belong in the Kitchen 🤦🏾‍♀️

So, you’re going to do missions and travel alone? How would your husband feel about that? Can you be away from your kids?

THE TRASH 🗑 and THE PRESSURE 🤯

*Turns off brain and steps off soapbox*

Everything around us screams that we must sacrifice our dreams, ambitions, and purpose for the natural roles of our gender. Throw in the timelines we place on our own lives and the impossible standards society holds us too, and it’s enough to drive any women insane.

So, let’s make this clear...

Your age, gender, singleness, marriage, children or lack thereof are NOT handicaps or disqualifiers. Where did this LIE come from? That you must give up your purpose or opportunity for any of the fore-mentioned because you can’t have it all. Where in the bible is it shown that women are just mothers and wives. We love to quote proverbs 31 “Her husband and children will rise and call her blessed”- but we negate to mention why. The woman described in proverbs 31 was so much more than a homebody- she was a businesswoman. The work of her hands was blessed, and she was a great helpmate to her husband, and a leader within her family.

The entire book is centered around a conversation between mother and son. The mother imparting wisdom into her son, instructing him on how to maintain himself as a king and what to look for in a woman. If I had to imagine the setting, it’d be a young successful man, and his momma sitting at the kitchen table, when he comes home to visit her. As she enquires about his personal life; he casually mentions that he’s dating someone to which she responds, “DON’T BRING ME HOME NO HOODRAT” (PLEASE NOTE: that is NOT Biblical- that just my sanctified imagination.) Either way, she was essentially telling him “Don’t be somebodies meal ticket.” She was explaining the qualities of a good God-fearing woman. It would be the equivalent of my mother telling my brother, don’t bring home someone who doesn’t have anything going for herself, but marry the “Ambitious Girl”, the one who will race you to earning a million dollars, birth your babies, and keep your home in shape! Marry someone who matches your drive.

The crazy thing is, while women often tell their sons this; they also shun other young women from being too ambitious. They teach them to sugarcoat conversation with male counterparts, to shrink their voices so that they aren’t deemed too intimidating or too strong therefore eliminating their “need” for a man. They constantly remind us that ultimately marriage is the end goal, even above purpose.

Well let’s say this once and for all- it’s not! Purpose is indeed more important.

Yes, I’m aware that Eve was created from Adam, and for Adam, but the main goal that God was accomplishing was PURPOSE. Adam and Eve were just the vessels in which purpose would be fulfilled. It didn’t make Adam any less valuable or necessary; Eve was an addition, a companion to assist in meeting or fulfilling purpose. Your mate should be as well.

My forever husband, Robert holds me accountable to the things God has called me to put my hands to; many of which were active before our marriage. He’s my defense- in a world full of men who will overlook my skills and abilities because of my gender, he is the voice who speaks to me, and to the naysayers proclaiming “No, Kiara is the one who is capable of doing this”. He not only pushes me forward in my purpose, he is my partner in purpose as we constantly encourage one another to go higher. We realize that God only brought us together to fulfill a greater purpose; because both of us are equipped and steadfast in our relationship with God.

Those days of not being able to have it all are OVER! Those limitations we allow others to place on us and as a result we accept them as true, are BROKEN from over our lives. All of them are VOID because God has not only called but equipped us to do the work both inside and outside of the home, before and during marriage.

No Husband, No Kids? No Problem! Be zealous in this race, and flourish in what God has put before you.

Husband and Kids? No Problem! Teamwork makes the dreamwork. Make dinner before you leave, pack an extra change of clothes in the diaper bag, and take those babies with you!

Kids, No Husband? It’s all good. God has you and your babies. Seek God for you purpose and allow him to create the best life for you and the kids. It’s not too late, to get started. Take the kids with you and keep it pushing.

Unsure about it all? That’s fine too! Find yourself in God before you start worrying about the logistics. Trust me, God already has it worked out. Believe God! Go take on the world and accomplish everything that God has purposed in your heart and blessed your hand to touch.

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